Dr. Scatt's Ye Olde Life Shoppe

Dr. Scatt's Ye Olde Life Shoppe
By Alan Goy
Winner 2002 Panelist Choice Award Last Frontier Theater Conference
A Ten-Minute Play

Characters:

JANE WHIPPLE: A woman in her late 20’s.
DR. SCATT: A man in his 40’s or 50’s.

Setting:


Present day. The front room of Dr. Scatt’s Ye Olde Life Shoppe. There’s a counter and a table with some chairs.

DR. SCATT stands behind the counter drinking lemonade and reading a magazine. There is a pitcher of lemonade on a tray on the counter. WHIPPLE enters.


DR. SCATT
Welcome ma’am. Take a seat. You look tired. Are you tired? You look tired. You look tired from a long hot day. I’m tired from… I got some lemonade. Let me get you a… You like lemonade? Well, of course you do, who doesn’t like lemonade, am I right?

WHIPPLE
I don’t care for lemonade.

DR. SCATT gets a glass from under the counter and pours a lemonade, puts it on a tray with the pitcher and his lemonade, carries it to the table.

DR. SCATT
Squeezed the lemons myself. It’s hard to find good lemons this time of year. I used to own a lemon tree. Had more lemons… You can’t beat lemonade right off the tree. I miss that lemon tree. Blew down in that big storm two years ago, remember that storm? Almost blew the roof of the store. Say, you look familiar. What did you say your name was?

WHIPPLE
I didn’t. I’m Jane Whipple

DR. SCATT
Jane Whipple, Jane Whipple. Have a seat Jane Whipple.

DR. SCATT sits.

WHIPPLE
No, thank you. I…

DR. SCATT
I’m Dr. Scatt. People call me “Doc”. You can call me… Jane Whipple, Jane Whipple. I never forget a name. In my business you can’t afford to.

WHIPPLE
Mr. Scatt…

DR. SCATT
Doc.

WHIPPLE
Dr. Scatt.

DR. SCATT
No, just Doc. Everyone calls me Doc.

WHIPPLE
Doc, I’ve made a terrible mistake.

DR. SCATT
Got it!

WHIPPLE
What?

DR. SCATT
Jane Whipple! I sold a Jane Whipple to someone a couple weeks ago.

WHIPPLE
Yes, that’s me.

DR. SCATT
A-ha! I remember now. I sold her to a short, mousy girl with bad skin.

WHIPPLE
I do not have bad skin

DR. SCATT
Of course not. You’re prettier than a super model; though, I’ve never really been attracted to supermodels. Too skinny for my tastes. I’ve always liked women with a little meat on their bones. Know what I mean. Kind of like that girl I sold Whipple to. She was a little pudgy.

WHIPPLE
I am not pudgy.

DR. SCATT
No. You look great. You look tired, but great. Ms. Tomlinson looked tired too.

WHIPPLE
Timlinson.

DR. SCATT
No, I’m pretty sure it was Tomlinson

WHIPPLE
Penny Timlinson.

DR. SCATT
I’ve got to disagree with you on that one. I never forget a name.

WHIPPLE
Trust me, it’s Timlinson.

DR. SCATT
I can look it up.

DR. SCATT gets up and goes to the counter.

WHIPPLE
And it will say Timlinson.

DR. SCATT
I remember thinking “Tomlinson” like my cousin Ed who was Uncle Tom’s Son. Uncle Tom had motor boat. Summer’s we used to…

WHIPPLE
It was me, all right! I’m Penny Timlinson. I think I know my own name.

DR. SCATT
You said you were Jane Whipple.

WHIPPLE
I am.

DR. SCATT
Doesn’t sound like you know your name to me. I mean, which is it, Tomlinson or Whipple?

WHIPPLE
Timlinson! I was Penny Timlinson. I came in here two weeks ago and bought Jane Whipple. Now I’m Jane Whipple. Then I was Penny Timlonson.

DR. SCATT
Oh, yeah! Ed was Uncle George’s son. You haven’t touched your lemonade?

WHIPPLE
I want to return Jane Whipple.

DR. SCATT
Come again?

WHIPPLE
I’m not happy with her and I’d like to return her.

DR. SCATT
Sometimes I don’t hear too well. I had a shell go off right next to my ear during the war.

WHIPPLE
Sir.

DR. SCATT
Well, not right next to my ear. Really it was next to Murphy’s….

WHIPPLE
Dr. Scatt.

DR. SCATT
Well, really in Murphy’s…

WHIPPLE
DOC!

DR. SCATT
You’re a little jumpy. What’s eating you?

WHIPPLE
I want to return Jane Whipple.

DR. SCATT
What’s wrong with you? Are you broken?

WHIPPLE
No.

DR. SCATT
You everything I told you you were?

WHIPPLE
I’m everything the brochure promised.

DR. SCATT
No unexpected limps or chronic illness?

WHIPPLE
No.

DR. SCATT
So what’s the problem?

WHIPPLE
I just don’t like her.

DR. SCATT
I see. Correct me if I’m wrong here… You’ve got great skin.

WHIPPLE
Yes.

DR. SCATT
A great body.

WHIPPLE
Yes.

DR. SCATT
You’re outgoing, confident and attractive.

WHIPPLE
I’m all those things.

DR. SCATT
Men are falling all over you. How many men have you had in the 2 weeks you’ve been Jane Whipple?

WHIPPLE
That’s not really…

DR. SCATT
I bet it’s more than you had in a lifetime as Penny Tomlinson.

WHIPPLE
Timlinson, but the point…

DR. SCATT
You’re a lawyer, own your own home, great future, what more do you want?

WHIPPLE
She’s just not me.

DR. SCATT
That’s the point.

WHIPPLE
I’d still like to return her.

DR. SCATT
No returns. Cash only. My only rules. I used to take credit cards but the old lives never paid the bills.

WHIPPLE
Fine, if you want to be difficult, I’ll just have to sue.

DR. SCATT
Excuse me. That’s the old war wound acting up again.

WHIPPLE
I’ll sue you for false advertising.

DR. SCATT
You said you were everything the brochure promised.

WHIPPLE
I don’t like sushi.

DR. SCATT
Neither do I. There’s something unnatural about raw fish.

WHIPPLE
Penny loved sushi. She couldn’t live without it. I miss sushi, and I’ll sue you for everything you’ve got to get it back.

DR. SCATT
Section 14b, item 138 of the Jane Whipple sale agreement clearly designates “sushi in all its forms” as “disliked”. You need more sugar for your lemonade? Mines a little tart.

WHIPPLE
I never signed that agreement. Penny did.

DR. SCATT
Right, and Jane Whipple has no legal right to the life of Penny Tomlinson or Timlinson. I don’t think the lemons were quite ripe yet.

WHIPPLE
Can’t you make an exception just this once, Doc? Please… I wouldn’t have to take Penny back right away. We could have some fun first. You’d like to have some fun with Jane, wouldn’t you?

DR. SCATT
Are you kidding? I know where you’ve been.


WHIPPLE
I can show you a real good time.

DR. SCATT
So can my wife when I get home, and she likes my lemonade. It’s only been 2 weeks. Give yourself a chance.

WHIPPLE
You don’t understand. I hate Jane Whipple. I hate her. She wears these stupid shoes all the time that hurt her feet. She works 60 hours a week and then goes home to her miniature poodle. Yip, yip, yip all the time and that hair cut makes it look like a toy. I can’t eat sushi, or fried foods. Fuck, she won’t even eat frozen yogurt. I need to spend an evening watching a trashy romance on TV while eating Ben & Jerry’s with my cats. She’s allergic to cats! I can’t handle her busy social schedule with lots of other fake plastic people. These! These right here… Aren’t real. Nothing about her is real. Her friends, lovers, tits, hair, all fake. I need my friends back. I need to talk to Margaret on the phone for again. At least Penny had Margaret. She wasn’t very exciting, but they could talk for hours about anything and she was always there for her. Whipple has nothing!

DR. SCATT
Except all the things Penny wanted.

WHIPPLE
I was wrong.

DR. SCATT
Change.

WHIPPLE
If I’m going to change, I’d rather change Penny.

DR. SCATT
I can’t allow returns, but, if you’re absolutely certain you want to be Penny again, I can sell her back to you.

WHIPPLE
Really?

DR. SCATT
Of course, that’s not a problem at all.

WHIPPLE
Why didn’t you say so?


DR. SCATT
I just did.

WHIPPLE
That’s… that’s…that’s a scam. I like that.

DR. SCATT
I’ve got to make money somehow.

WHIPPLE
Penny’s appalled, but Jane… We could still have some fun before we bring Penny back, if you want.

DR. SCATT
The answer’s still no. You’re too skinny. Let’s see here. Tom, Tomkins, Tompkins… No Tomlinson.

WHIPPLE
Timlinson!

DR. SCATT
Oh, right. Timlinson. Here it is. Oh dear. I was afraid of that.

WHIPPLE
What?

DR. SCATT
I sold her the day I sold you…

WHIPPLE
To who?

DR. SCATT
To Jane Whipple.

Silence.
WHIPPLE
Huh. I guess Jane’s smarter than I thought.

DR. SCATT
She’ll probably come back to return her. Almost everyone does. That’s why I don’t allow returns. I’d never make money otherwise.

WHIPPLE
No, I don’t think so. I… I wouldn’t.

WHIPPLE takes a long drink of her lemonade.

This is good lemonade.

DR. SCATT
You think so? I could make some more if you like.

WHIPPLE
That would be good.

DR. SCATT
I’ve got a grapefruit in back. I can make pink lemonade. My Aunt Adelaide always made pink lemonade, but she used to use grape juice to pink it up. Uncle Earl, he used to make it with grapefruit, I always liked that better. Earl had two kids, my cousins….

The lights fade slowly as DR. SCATT talks and WHIPPLE drinks her lemonade listening.

End of Play

2 comments:

William said...

I enjoyed reading your script. It reminds me of an episode of The Twilight Zone, only hipper and more disturbing. It really does say something scary yet truthful about personal identity.

William said...

I enjoyed reading your script. It reminds me of an episode of The Twilight Zone, only hipper and more disturbing. It really does say something scary yet truthful about personal identity.